It's Times Like These

Well, I've decided that we won't see each other or talk for a while. Yet I'm still torturing myself by looking up her facebook. There is a lot of me that wants to delete my facebook and another half just wants me to get over it. It's really difficult, every time I think about her I just feel anxiety. I know that she's having a good time without me and I'm literally lost. I wish it was easier to just forget someone, to learn to get over them so quickly. Apparently I'm not very memorable because this is what happened with Jess as well.

I need to learn to be less obsessive. I need to become more selfish in a relationship. Put myself in front of others, because to this point what has generosity given me? Two broken hearts, and some fucked up ideals. I never think about hurting myself, but by looking her up I'm hurting myself anyways. It's such a retarded thing to do, as if that would change anything but make me more upset. I need to work through this, I need to move on.

Darling, say goodbye again.

Last night was so weird. I went to brew and view with a few people including Lauren and I decided that we'd leave earlier because I have to work this morning and I wanted to talk to her one on one and figure things out. I figured it'd be a non-stressful night and that we'd just watch the movies and part ways. But I felt like I tortured myself the whole time. I know how obsessive I am, but I didn't realize how far it went. I can't believe that I would care that she wanted to go out for more, or that she barely spoke to me the entire night. I feel so uncomfortable and greedy around her.

Anyways, so me and Dave go to Jakes afterwards and try to talk things out. About half hour after we got there I received a shot from a birthday girl. Clearly I have to go talk to this girl now, so I do and we talk a little while. We're flirting and everything goes well. I'm not super into her because obviously she's not Lauren but I'm playing the part anyways. She eventually asks me if I'm going home with her, and if it's not me it's someone else in the bar. I say whatever but I had to talk to Dave first and pee. By the time I get out, she's gone. This is probably for the best. I can't imagine going home with this totally drunk girl, and then having this deep conversation with Lauren today.

On the other hand I can't really imagine how this conversation is going to go anyways. I feel I'm in for some bad times ahead. We'll see.

The unsuspecting failure

Why is it that I want things to be bad for everyone? I love Lauren, but right now I just want her to come back and say that it wasn't that great of a time. That's very horrible of me, and it's definitely something that I need to stop doing. It's another form of jealousy. This is part of the problem that's plagued me since we broke up. I can't stop thinking about her and what she's doing and who she's with. It shouldn't matter, Lauren is totally respectable to me and to what we had. She wouldn't do the same things that Jess did, not in a million years. Yet I'm still so self conscious about the whole thing. Things will not work out if I continue to feel this way, I have to go about my life as if she isn't apart of it, unfortunately that's really hard because all I want right now is her. Swingers is right, it's when you don't want them that they come back to you. The only redeeming factor in that department is that we're hanging out on Friday and she genuinely seems happy about those times, and by happy I mean she says "that sounds good." nothing more than that. I leach on to every word, that's another bad habit.

On the plus side, I mostly completed day three of P90x. Once again it definitely kicked my ass and I was left sweating like a pig, but I feel good when I'm done. On top of that I decided to walk to work to get my paycheck, and then walk back home. It's 2.1 miles, and it was 80 degrees out today so needless to say I've had a pretty good workout today. I really need this to continue, I'm sore as hell but I really feel that if I can get myself back into shape and looking good that I will gain confidence 100%.

Unsuspecting failure is the opposite of what I can do at this point. In reality the ball might be in my court and I just have to make the right steps to put it in the net. Keep thinking positive, continue to accomplish tasks, work harder, feel better, I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

Yesterday was fun the dinner was a complete success. The only dull part of the night was Mike because he wasn't being sociable, he doesn't fit in with that group much anyways. It was really nice being able to hang out with those friends again, no one treated me any different although there was obviously a difference between me and Lauren's behavior. It definitely is different but in a way it's better. We have to be happy hanging out with each other as friends, before we're happy being with each other. I completely a totally understand that.

P90x has totally kicked my ass these last two days. I did the plyometrics portion of the workout yesterday and there were a number of times that I had to hit pause and just breathe before I continued. I was very proud that I got through the entire workout, regardless of how long it took or how I felt I did. All and all it's very exciting and definitely a great pick me up to my mood and confidence. I can feel a difference in my body already, between being more "regular" and feeling my muscles tighten up because they're being put to good use. I like this feeling a lot and really want to stay with it. If I could be in tip top shape for the weddings that I'm standing up in, that would be really awesome. Lets hope this all continues.

There are some days at work that I think it's going to last awhile and others where I am afraid that they're going to cut me off when I'm done for the day. I know there is at least one more weeks worth of work up there but I'm hoping for more. They keep crushing records so I'm hoping that they'll continue to need additional help. Problem is now that I am working from home I'm not having that regular contact with people that I'd like to be having. Theoretically I can go in until 1:30 everyday and load up my computer with more work but I'm not sure I want to do that. At least not with this computer. Hopefully if I get a new computer I'll be more comfortable bringing that one around.

That's all for today, trying to keep myself busy to take my mind away from the depression and my love. Things are getting better day by day.

-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-

No contact...weird.

We didn't talk at all this weekend. I texted her on Saturday three times and got one response. It's weird not talking, especially because we're supposed to see each other tonight at Dave's birthday dinner. It'll also be weird seeing Amanda, EVD, Tammy, and Melan. I don't know how it'll go but hopefully well.

I did my first day of P90x today. Granted I didn't do it fully because I don't have weights or bands or anything, but needless to say it kicked my ass. I was working up a sweat ten or fifteen minutes in and it's definitely relentless. Hopefully I can keep it up and continue to keep my mind in the right place. Fingers crossed.

Off to work, praying that today will be good.

It gets the worst at night.

So things are good, and then things are bad. It's tough to say where I stand. I'm definitely happy that I'm working. It helps me keep myself from going totally insane, although I'd say I'm fairly close to that anyways.

We hung out for a second time and it was great we talked and laughed and had an overall enjoyable time. When I went to get off the train I went a little overboard and asked for a kiss, she moved back and said "I'm sorry but no" and I understood. We went our separate ways and I felt like shit. When I got home we talked for a little while and she assured me that it was okay. That she didn't want us to become something that we're not, and if we're not dating then we probably shouldn't be kissing. She explained that the time apart was very important and that we have to figure something out eventually. She's been great through all of this, and I've just been going crazy anyways. I'm going to get back to the way I was it'll just take time. In the meantime I need to focus on work and my other friends.

I am important.

Now this is a story all about how...

Wow. I did not see that one coming. NCSA called and I'm back to work for awhile. In fact, I'm back to work as the number one contractor position. That's incredible. From everything that I've heard I can only go up from here. They said that Gabe, the last guy, was on a contract from the end of Feb (when I left) until this week with only two weeks in between that were taken off. Hopefully the videos keep coming in and I'm rolling with NCSA for the long haul from now on. That would be awesome.

In other news, I met with Lauren and things were awesome. We got along great and joked the entire time. It was a really enjoyable evening. When we left she kept texting me which is something that hasn't happened in awhile and communication as a whole has gone up quite a bit. I know I shouldn't look at that as the deciding factor of whether we'll get back together and really I shouldn't even be thinking of pushing that, but I do love this girl. And I do want her back. At this point, I need to stay cool, keep working on myself and hopefully everything will go back to the way it was.

Looking forward to better days now, it's so unbelievable how things can change so quickly.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Tomorrow is the first time I'll have seen her in over a week, part of me is thinking that it may be a bad idea because of the current state I'm in. I'm really hoping that I snap out of it. I hope that tomorrow I hear something from a potential job and that I can wake up and realize that life isn't all about one person and one job. Life will go on regardless.

Either way, I'm hoping it goes well. Please God, let it go well.

Ugh. Redemption

Well I've been completely removed as a relationship status from facebook. I don't know what that means. I guess it means that she wants no part of me. It's sad faces all around. I don't know how to react but sad. I thought that there was a chance that we'd get back together but today it just seems like she wants everything but me.

I'm sorry.

Aaron.

Maybe today, maybe tomorrow.

Things have gotten better. I'm taking things one thing at a time. I'm not reading into things anymore and I know that I'm going to get better and I'm going to figure out what's right and wrong in my life. It's a slow process but I'm getting there and that's the most important thing.

My talks with Lauren have gotten better, it looks as though there could be future potential, although we both know that I need to keep working on myself for the time being. At the same time, I also need to take a step back and move things much much slower. Which is definitely fine by me as I also don't want to be back in this situation.

I've ruined things enough getting to this point, I don't need to be back here anytime soon. My job search continues with no real leads. I've made more contacts but alas, I'm still stuck doing nothing. I don't know what I'd do besides film so going back to school isn't really a thought but I do know that I need something for me to get fully better. Once again, my hope is my life. Hope that something comes and hope that the future will play out sooner rather than later. I can't imagine waiting much longer.

This is the end, beautiful friend.

Well it's over. I don't know if it'll come back, but for now it's over. I'm hurting like crazy but that doesn't mean I shouldn't go on living life. I really wish I had something to occupy my time or mind. I'm always thinking about her. I think that might have been the problem. When I'm working I'm thinking about something else, but when I'm not I'm thinking of her, and that becomes too overwhelming, for both of us. All I wanted to ever do was talk to her or see her and all she ever wanted to do was avoid me because all we were doing was talking or seeing each other. It's quite understandable. Yet it's still unbearable.

I don't know what to do now, right now I've been sitting waiting for the past three months to hear something about a job. To get a glitter of hope, to find a peaceful way of life. But alas nothing has come my way and I sitting waiting for the future, blindly.

It's really hard for me also, because I know I have to become happy to earn her love back but without any options in life I don't know how to become happy. I try to make the best of days and for the most part I've been pretty good at not bringing down other people but I know she is the one that matters most and I don't dare try to screw that up even worse than I already have. I miss her like crazy. Just the silly texts or messages we used to sent each other. Now I feel that those were in the distant past and recently it's been on edge every time we talk. I'm sorry for being the depressed soul that I am. Please know that you were the only thing that made me happy. I hope that someday it won't be like that, that you and plenty of other things will make my life complete. It's just hard thinking about it right now. I love you Lauren Fox, and I'm sorry.

Is this the end?

The last conversation I had with Lauren didn't go very well. Although we could have broken up over the phone I think she didn't want to do it there and instead will wait until we meet tomorrow. I do not feel good things are coming in that conversation but it's one that has to be had. It's really sad because I definitely love her but I feel that both of us have changed into two completely different people then we were from the beginning of our relationship. I hate to think of life without her, but it make become a reality soon. I absolutely hate where I am right now.

Affection at it's best.

Once again insecurity has gotten the best of me. I feel as if I'm the odd man out in every situation. I'm not the funny one, I'm not the cute one, I'm always the one that's left wondering what's going to happen next. I wish for once that I knew what my future was. I wish I knew who I will become. What kind of man I will be, what kind of father I will be, what kind of husband or employee I will be. It seems lately that I can't do anything right and I'm always left apologizing. I try my hardest but really it seems that nothing ever goes my way. Hopefully something will change soon and I will go back to the man I used to be. The one that was happy and confident. The one that knew how to take care of himself and not have to live by every word in every sentence.

Someday I'll be back. I just hope it's soon.

Hard Times

Life is hard right now. Nothing seems to be going my way. I'm not strong enough to deal with it all. I try to do better things in my life and yet everything gets turned against me and I end up in the losing corner, as always. I don't trust myself. That may be my worst flaw. I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way I worry so much, and I don't like how needy I am.

Last night Lauren went to a kickball party, one of many that will be coming up. We had briefly discussed whether or not she would be coming over after and she said it depended on how much she drank. I'm fine with that, I can understand having a good time and going home and crashing and not having to worry about the other person. But on the other hand when I text her at 1:00 Am to find out if she had decided or not she said not sure. Okay well I guess you'd find out sooner rather than later just because I wouldn't imagine the night to last all night. But that was the last I ever heard from her. I texted her again at 3 thinking okay maybe she's out getting some food somewhere and she'd just let me know she's going home, fine. Not the case. I never heard anything. So immediately I go into panic mode. What's she doing? Why wouldn't she text me back? Where do I stand in this relationship? Not only did I have a hard time sleeping, but I was left with my stomach churning. All I wanted was a stupid text message that read "Crashed at home. Drunk" It would have made my night so much better. Instead now, I sit waiting to hear what the real reason was and in the meantime I keep brewing more idiotic ideas because I have no frame of reference.

I absolutely love her, but I need attention too. I understand that I'm not invited to these kickball things cause I'm not a kickball player, but the fact that I just get snubbed makes me really irritated.

We talked the other day and she literally said "sometimes I feel like we should break up but I don't know if I'd be making a mistake or not" I don't know either, but I feel if you want to act like we're broken up while we're still together, I can't handle that. It's either one of the other.

I blame myself so much for all of this. I know that with a job, I could rest easier, and have more experiences to myself. I hate that my worst fear has taken over my life again, and it dictates every step that I take. I wish for once things would work out in my favor so that I can enjoy the good things again. December and January were so magical to me, and now it's gone and I'm stuck picking up the pieces again. I wish I could do things differently. I wish I wasn't this stupid depressed Aaron. I know that I'm a shell of myself when I'm like this and it effects everyone around me. I wish I knew the answer.

A New Start

More often than not when I find myself in times of doubt, I start writing. For some reason, writing lets me express feelings that I don't normally let go of. That being said I usually won't write about anything that I wouldn't talk about so I conclude that it's the process of writing that helps me get through the hard times.

At the moment, I have no job and to be honest, no job prospects. I try to stay positive throughout the day but I'm aware that eventually I'm going to have to find something or I won't be able to live the life that I want. At this point in my search for a job, I am not picky at all. I know eventually the time will come and I will fall into a position that I am happy with, but at this point I'm just looking to survive.

One of the best things in my life right now is my girlfriend, Lauren. She's given me constant support and has taught me things that I hadn't realized in the past. When I'm with her I'm happy, and when I'm not with her I'm always thinking about her. She's a dream.